Mind the (Feelings) Gap: why the 3-month mark might be more important than you think

You’d think, 30 years on from Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus, that we’d have finally figured out a) what on Earth (wahey) that title means b) the differences between men and women in relationships c) a simpler way to talk about all things love. 

Well, not so. 

Conversations still persist on who initiates, who pays and ultimately, who says those three little words first. And before we can even get to the subject of those three words, we need to talk about a new distinction: the three-month-mark. 

Not just a handy milestone in dating, the 90-day point is actually proving to be (gulp) pretty indicative of whether a relationship is headed for make-or-break. 

Why?

Blame it on the ‘feelings gap’.

What fresh hell is this?

In a nutshell, the feelings gap is the difference in time taken between men and women in deciding whether someone is the right fit for a long-term commitment. 

The magic number? You guessed it: three months. 

Our user research shows that a whopping 2 in 3 daters (68%) have been in relationships that ended around the three-month mark. What’s more, singles seem to point at the same conclusion: it takes men longer than women to figure out if they really want to be in their relationships. 

Let’s crunch the numbers.

Men and women appear to have different approaches to dating from the get-go.

Half of men say they’re more likely to “act first and think later” in relationships, compared to just 38% of women. And 59% of all parties agree that women are more considered than men when it comes to picking a potential partner.

Typically, women take their time over 3 months to assess whether someone’s right for them. On the flip side, men seem more prone to making moves in the moment; later, revisiting their decisions at the same 3-month mark. 

When it feels right, it’s full steam ahead. Compared to 31% of women, 48% of men are comfortable saying “I love you” - even if it is early days. 

And when it feels… less than right? That’s where all of the classic dating no-nos take place. 

Ghosting, distance and (un)timely break ups have entered the chat.

How does the feelings gap impact dating?

Let’s just say, it’s not great. 

46% of women say that they’re now less likely than men (56%) to trust their partner’s intentions at the start of a relationship. That lack of trust isn’t the healthiest foundation for a new romance - but it’s a real consequence of the feelings gap. 

One surveyed single, Amy McKenna (32), has experienced the feelings gap in two separate relationships: 

“On both occasions, the other person love-bombed; constantly showering me with compliments, talking about our future together and even using the L word. 

At the three-month mark, once I was letting my guard down and my mindset was fully onboard with a serious relationship, I noticed a shift in their behaviour. They became less communicative and frankly, less interested.”

Gulp. Are all relationships destined to fail after 90 days?

No, not at all. But, awareness of a very real behavioural pattern in dating certainly doesn’t hurt. 

It’s no secret that we’re on a mission to make dating better for all; part of that entails identifying and uncovering the ugly truth about the ways we do it. 

So, no; there’s no ticking-time-bomb or three-month-countdown from the first date. 

But consciously managing how you date can definitely make a big difference.

Here’s the verdict from Crystal, our in-house dating expert:

“In relationships between men and women, women generally take the first few months to work out whether they really like the guy they’re dating. They build feelings based on like-mindedness, shared values, and how their date interacts with others. 

Men are more likely to make a snap decision. The gap can leave us with a three-month lag on catching up with one another's feelings - making the early stages trickier to navigate.”

Let’s navigate the early stages together.

In the spirit of dating better - and getting more singles into successful, healthy relationships - we’ve put together 5 top tips for beating the feelings gap. 

1. Take it easy. In those first couple of months, a date once or twice a week gives both parties a chance to get to know each other - without moving too fast. If it does feel like things are moving too quickly, pump the brakes.

2. Get brutal about your boxes. Good behaviour is key - but are your non-negotiables actually being ticked? Shared values, chemistry and effort are all things to assess.

3. Honesty is the best policy. The feelings gap is one thing, but you might just be incompatible with one another. Check in with yourself to see if you’re feeling anything. Finding out what you like is key to the dating experience.

4. When in doubt, talk it out. Feeling uncertain about a love interest’s behaviour? Feeling compelled to change your behaviour? Phone a friend. A second opinion from someone you trust could be just what you need.

5. This (self) love’s here to stay. Whether your relationship makes it past the 3-month mark or ends before, your self-worth is always of the utmost importance. 

Cheesy? Perhaps. But all the best things in life are.

Feelings gap or not, dating doesn’t have to be doom ’n’ gloom. Find a pace that you’re comfortable at - with a person you genuinely like. 

We’ll help with the rest.